Would I go back to when I was thirteen years old?

Would I go back to when I was thirteen years old?

There are a lot of photographs taken of me before I was thirteen years old and diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and subsequently dyspraxia. In the darkest of times I often imagine a scenario being played out where I am given the opportunity to go back to 2007 when I was thirteen and continue living without my two hidden disabilities. If I choose to accept this proposition the consequence would mean I would have new memories, new experiences and therefore new thoughts about who I am as a person.

In the darkest of times the simple answer would be yes, I would go back to when I was thirteen and be the ‘healthy’ individual we all deserve to be. In this moment I would believe I would not have been bullied for being ‘different’, for the way I vomited after playing sports and for not being able to form a sentence together. I would believe I would not have had to take learning support lessons in order to dramatically improve my progress in English as a subject. I would believe I would not have to frequently visit the doctors and stay in hospital in order to control a small intestine that wants to do nothing but hurt me. I would believe I would not feel isolated, depressed, petrified and ashamed.

However, once those dark clouds have drifted away I would recognise that my complex answer to this scenario would be no, I would not go back to the year 2007 when I was thirteen and change the person who I am. I would be influenced in my decision by how I am far greater than my two disabilities, that they do not, cannot define me. I would be influenced by my achievements such as gaining my First-class honours in English Literature and Creative Writing from University of Hertfordshire, and how I have published stories, articles and productions celebrating diversity. I would be influenced by my qualities of having an inner determination of not giving in to a small intestine that wants to hurt me, but instead to work with every time it drains me. I would be influenced by the amazing individuals I have met since I was thirteen who have listened to my fears and dreams, not with the intention to judge but with the intention to understand and to accept who I am as a person.

So if tonight I am asked, ‘Would you go back to when you were thirteen years old?’ I would like to think I would say no.

I know that I am greater than my Crohn’s disease and dyspraxia; but I also realise that the two hidden disabilities have influenced me, at least in part, to become a determined, creative, empathetic and courageous individual who has met some incredibly decent people. I would not want to change this. After all, only in total darkness can you see the stars at their brightest; only when rain dashes the sun will a beautiful rainbow appear.

I know that I am greater than my Crohn’s disease and dyspraxia...Copyright © 2016- Jake Borrett. All rights reserved.               

4 comments:

  1. This is a beautiful piece Jake. Always believe in yourself.

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  2. Be proud of all your achievements no matter how small and always hold your head up high, my son is 11 and has dyspraxia and I'm so proud of every positive step he makes every day.

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    Replies
    1. That is very kind of you. All the very best to you and your son in all that you do.

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