Change
I
have found change difficult ever since childhood.
When
I was at primary school, I would cry the night before starting a new year
because it meant there would be a different teacher, a different class, a
different set of rules to follow. This uncertainty made me fearful, and after a
few days of settling in again I ended up liking the teacher.
This
fear of change has continued to a degree into my adulthood. One of the reasons
for this is because change has sometimes been negative. Some examples of this are
being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression and the
consequent physical and mental health challenges that have come with this, for
instance hospital stays, medication, lots of toilet stops and very dark days.
Other examples of change included being bullied in secondary school for being ‘different’
or an ‘outsider’ when all I wanted to do was to complete my homework on time
and to make friends.
A
big change has come into all our lives this year of 2020 due to the Coronavirus
pandemic. For many this has meant not being able to hug loved ones; to limit
the amount of face-to-face contact and socialising we have been allowed to do;
to be asked to ‘stay at home’ and to ‘shield’ in order to protect ourselves and
others; and during the lockdown in the United Kingdom in March 2020, to spend
more time indoors.
This
period has been a massive change in my own life because in April 2020 my dad
sadly passed away in his nursing home due to complications with his advanced
progressive multiple sclerosis. Over the years I have witnessed my dad’s health
deteriorate from being a healthy man who ran half-marathons, to not being able
to walk, to being in a wheelchair, to transferring into a nursing home in 2011,
all the way to his death in 2020. This change is one I cannot get use to at the
moment as it feels so difficult to come to terms with how I will not hear his
voice; to not have any more conversations about travelling around Europe or my
radio work; to not being able to play games of Scrabble or Dominoes with him;
or to touch his soft, warm fingers. I hope in time it will get easier.
Change
has sometimes been negative in my life. However, I want to end this blog post with
hope for the future. When things slowly return to normal, and they will no
matter how long it may feel. I hope there will be lots more positive times ahead. I hope
to form new friendships with people I have yet to meet; to be able sit in a restaurant
and feel safe to do so; to write more poetry and to get my middle grade fiction
novel published; to travel the world to see beautiful lakes, mountains and
waterfalls; and to be able to see and hug family and friends once again. So
here is to positive change to come.
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