Jake Borrett's Writing Blog

Hope For The Future Ahead

Hope For The Future Ahead

No one could have predicted 2020 would turn out the way it did. It has been a very emotional year for a lot of us due to the coronavirus pandemic. We have not been able to spend time with friends and family; have felt unsafe or avoided altogether normal things we usually enjoy such as eating out in restaurants or going to the theatre to watch a play. Our ‘normal’ life of travelling, socialising, living, has been put on hold. It has also been a year filled with loss. I am sorry if you have lost someone to coronavirus or for some other reason. My thoughts are with you all.

For me 2020 was filled with Crohn’s disease flare-ups; a MRI small bowel scan; antidepressants; dark and lonely thoughts; lots of crying in toilets and in bed; and seeing family friends become ill.

One of the hardest parts though was in April 2020 when my dad sadly passed away in his nursing home due to complications with his advanced progressive multiple sclerosis. It has been so difficult not being surrounded by friends and loved ones or being able to hug them when all we felt like doing was crying. We miss his smile, his cheeky laugh and funny sense of humour, his voice, and playing lots of card games and Scrabble. We miss him so much.

Yes, it has been a difficult year and for this reason I was not able to achieve all the goals I set myself at the start of 2020. I was not able to travel or to spend as much time as I would like with all of the people I care about. However, this year has taught me that little things like walking along the seafront or through a lavender field, playing online poker or pool with friends, or dancing around the living room with my mum and sister do matter so much more. I have also learnt to appreciate kind, caring individuals, who make sacrifices and act selflessly. I thank all of you. Thank you for listening to or reading my experiences of living with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression.

Resolutions for 2021

It is currently Friday 1^st January 2021 as I write this article, but this year I have decided not to set any resolutions. Well, aside from one. This resolution is that I hope 2021 will be a better year than 2020. I hope it is a happier, kinder year. So, by the time I write my summary of 2021 this time next year I want to look back and say that we managed to have some joyful, normal times together.

2020 has been an awful year for so many, but as we enter into 2021 all we have left is hope, that things will get better. I like to think that this is an incredibly powerful thing.

Thank you for everything. Here is to hope for the future ahead.

Window Memories

Window Memories

They said it would never rain
Yet as I look at the window, water pours, dripping, dripping
Down the glass, tear by tear, tear by tear.
While the rain makes puddles in the little dents in the road,
Splashing at any flowers which try to grow,
I sit inside on a chair and look at the fireplace roaring,
The sparks soaring, the memories flying by.
I remember the moments we shared ice-cream until
Our teeth were too numb to rub, and when we ran
Around the lake and flew kites among the breeze, and
Sat laughing until our eyes filled with tears of dreams.
The rain may pour, but I will continue to sit and remember
Until the next time we can go outside together and
Dance under the stars.

Cold

Cold

The wind filters through me, wave by wave crashing into my skin

My hands are so numb, blue icicles form on the tops of my nails

Goosebumps climb along the hairs of my shaking arms and legs

My sister builds sandcastles along the stony, shining sand

Mum reads a book under the sunny glaze of the calm, watered sky

And Dad runs back and forth, back and forth into the sea, laughing as the tide follows

I know I should be cold, but all I feel is warmth

Alright

Alright

It is both ‘World Mental Health Awareness Day 2020’ and ‘Dyspraxia Awareness Week 2020’ so I wanted to share a piece of my poetry of mine to you called ‘Alright’. In the piece I explore that despite how challenging living with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression may be, I will be alright in the end thanks to your kindness. Thank you for all your support over the years. It has meant a great deal to me.

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Alright

I sit in the dark, shaking
As hopeless thoughts swarm in my mind, shouting:
‘You’re not good enough’
‘You’re a loser’
‘You deserve to be upset’
And I start to believe their burning words

But soon the light seeps through, and a voice, whispers:
‘You deserve to be happy’
‘You are a winner’
‘You are good enough’
They open their warm hands towards me, and that’s when I know
I’ll be alright

Change

Change

I have found change difficult ever since childhood.

When I was at primary school, I would cry the night before starting a new year because it meant there would be a different teacher, a different class, a different set of rules to follow. This uncertainty made me fearful, and after a few days of settling in again I ended up liking the teacher.

This fear of change has continued to a degree into my adulthood. One of the reasons for this is because change has sometimes been negative. Some examples of this are being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression and the consequent physical and mental health challenges that have come with this, for instance hospital stays, medication, lots of toilet stops and very dark days. Other examples of change included being bullied in secondary school for being ‘different’ or an ‘outsider’ when all I wanted to do was to complete my homework on time and to make friends.

A big change has come into all our lives this year of 2020 due to the Coronavirus pandemic. For many this has meant not being able to hug loved ones; to limit the amount of face-to-face contact and socialising we have been allowed to do; to be asked to ‘stay at home’ and to ‘shield’ in order to protect ourselves and others; and during the lockdown in the United Kingdom in March 2020, to spend more time indoors.

This period has been a massive change in my own life because in April 2020 my dad sadly passed away in his nursing home due to complications with his advanced progressive multiple sclerosis. Over the years I have witnessed my dad’s health deteriorate from being a healthy man who ran half-marathons, to not being able to walk, to being in a wheelchair, to transferring into a nursing home in 2011, all the way to his death in 2020. This change is one I cannot get use to at the moment as it feels so difficult to come to terms with how I will not hear his voice; to not have any more conversations about travelling around Europe or my radio work; to not being able to play games of Scrabble or Dominoes with him; or to touch his soft, warm fingers. I hope in time it will get easier.

Change has sometimes been negative in my life. However, I want to end this blog post with hope for the future. When things slowly return to normal, and they will no matter how long it may feel. I hope there will be lots more positive times ahead. I hope to form new friendships with people I have yet to meet; to be able sit in a restaurant and feel safe to do so; to write more poetry and to get my middle grade fiction novel published; to travel the world to see beautiful lakes, mountains and waterfalls; and to be able to see and hug family and friends once again. So here is to positive change to come.

Pages

Hope For The Future Ahead

Window Memories

Cold

Alright

Change