Jake Borrett's Writing Blog: 2020

Window Memories

Window Memories

They said it would never rain
Yet as I look at the window, water pours, dripping, dripping
Down the glass, tear by tear, tear by tear.
While the rain makes puddles in the little dents in the road,
Splashing at any flowers which try to grow,
I sit inside on a chair and look at the fireplace roaring,
The sparks soaring, the memories flying by.
I remember the moments we shared ice-cream until
Our teeth were too numb to rub, and when we ran
Around the lake and flew kites among the breeze, and
Sat laughing until our eyes filled with tears of dreams.
The rain may pour, but I will continue to sit and remember
Until the next time we can go outside together and
Dance under the stars.

Cold

Cold

The wind filters through me, wave by wave crashing into my skin

My hands are so numb, blue icicles form on the tops of my nails

Goosebumps climb along the hairs of my shaking arms and legs

My sister builds sandcastles along the stony, shining sand

Mum reads a book under the sunny glaze of the calm, watered sky

And Dad runs back and forth, back and forth into the sea, laughing as the tide follows

I know I should be cold, but all I feel is warmth

Alright

Alright

It is both ‘World Mental Health Awareness Day 2020’ and ‘Dyspraxia Awareness Week 2020’ so I wanted to share a piece of my poetry of mine to you called ‘Alright’. In the piece I explore that despite how challenging living with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression may be, I will be alright in the end thanks to your kindness. Thank you for all your support over the years. It has meant a great deal to me.

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Alright

I sit in the dark, shaking
As hopeless thoughts swarm in my mind, shouting:
‘You’re not good enough’
‘You’re a loser’
‘You deserve to be upset’
And I start to believe their burning words

But soon the light seeps through, and a voice, whispers:
‘You deserve to be happy’
‘You are a winner’
‘You are good enough’
They open their warm hands towards me, and that’s when I know
I’ll be alright

Change

Change

I have found change difficult ever since childhood.

When I was at primary school, I would cry the night before starting a new year because it meant there would be a different teacher, a different class, a different set of rules to follow. This uncertainty made me fearful, and after a few days of settling in again I ended up liking the teacher.

This fear of change has continued to a degree into my adulthood. One of the reasons for this is because change has sometimes been negative. Some examples of this are being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety and depression and the consequent physical and mental health challenges that have come with this, for instance hospital stays, medication, lots of toilet stops and very dark days. Other examples of change included being bullied in secondary school for being ‘different’ or an ‘outsider’ when all I wanted to do was to complete my homework on time and to make friends.

A big change has come into all our lives this year of 2020 due to the Coronavirus pandemic. For many this has meant not being able to hug loved ones; to limit the amount of face-to-face contact and socialising we have been allowed to do; to be asked to ‘stay at home’ and to ‘shield’ in order to protect ourselves and others; and during the lockdown in the United Kingdom in March 2020, to spend more time indoors.

This period has been a massive change in my own life because in April 2020 my dad sadly passed away in his nursing home due to complications with his advanced progressive multiple sclerosis. Over the years I have witnessed my dad’s health deteriorate from being a healthy man who ran half-marathons, to not being able to walk, to being in a wheelchair, to transferring into a nursing home in 2011, all the way to his death in 2020. This change is one I cannot get use to at the moment as it feels so difficult to come to terms with how I will not hear his voice; to not have any more conversations about travelling around Europe or my radio work; to not being able to play games of Scrabble or Dominoes with him; or to touch his soft, warm fingers. I hope in time it will get easier.

Change has sometimes been negative in my life. However, I want to end this blog post with hope for the future. When things slowly return to normal, and they will no matter how long it may feel. I hope there will be lots more positive times ahead. I hope to form new friendships with people I have yet to meet; to be able sit in a restaurant and feel safe to do so; to write more poetry and to get my middle grade fiction novel published; to travel the world to see beautiful lakes, mountains and waterfalls; and to be able to see and hug family and friends once again. So here is to positive change to come.

I’ll Remember

I’ll Remember

Sunday 21^st June 2020 marks ‘Father’s Day 2020’. So, I want to share with you the poem I read at my dad’s funeral in May 2020. This piece of poetry called ‘I’ll Remember’ is in dedication to him and explores some of the personal memories I have of him. Take care everyone.

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I’ll Remember

(Poem dedicated to my dad, Leigh Borrett, 1960 - 2020)

I’ll remember when we swam in the Great Barrier Reef and tickled colourful fish beneath our feet

I’ll remember when we rode camels through the desert, and watched whales dive out of the ocean from a rubber dinghy

I’ll remember how we solved fractions for my maths homework and played Countdown to improve my spelling

I’ll remember you flicking the football towards my trainers with your walking stick as we played in the park

I’ll remember your cheeky smile, your roar of a laugh, and the way I called you a ‘troublemaker’ once in a while

I’ll remember when you always wanted to go first at Whot, created multiple words every go at Scrabble, and all our games of Dominoes and cards as a family

I’ll remember how you flew up to 13,000 feet to take one giant leap, and then inspire me to do the same, nine years later

I’ll remember how every time others saw us together, they would say we were ‘so alike’ from our faded blonde hair to our curved lips

I’ll remember how you may have been a ‘different’ dad, but these ‘differences’ were so special to me

So when one star shines brightest in the darkest of skies or orange butterflies flap their wings as they pass by,

I’ll remember, I’ll remember

You

Dust

Dust

It has been one month since my dad sadly passed away in his nursing home due to complications with his advanced progressive multiple sclerosis on Tuesday 7th April 2020. It has not been an easy month. However, I want to share with you a piece of poetry called 'Dust'.

‘Dust’ was written in January 2020. Although it was originally about the war especially 'Victory in Europe Day’, which will be celebrated again on Friday 8^th May 2020, it can now also be viewed in terms of the war against the Coronavirus pandemic. The poem also reflects on my dad, so this piece can be seen as small tribute to him.

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Dust

The sky cries dust everyday

Thick dust from the clouds above

They are saying on the radio to keep indoors

I hold onto my dad’s hand, barely lifeless, as the dust pours

I close my eyes and hear the screams of those fighting

Fighting on the dark battlefield without any lighting

And hope one day they can return home safely

Until then I keep hold of my dad’s fragile hand

Months of dust, and rain, and smoke last, but it eventually passes

And they are shouting on the radio, ‘Victory’, ‘Victory’

But inside our room the thick dust rages on as I let go of my dad’s hand

The fighting is over, but my dad has lost his war.

My Happy Place

My Happy Place

(Credo Poem dedicated to those closest to me)

As the darkness says goodbye, the light greets me.

The image reveals the place where I feel happiest.

The dreamy wind brushes against my ghostly skin as I

Walk the path, guided by the trees and the birds calling my

Name. I hear the sound of a nearby river, flowing over

The small pebbles bedded below the surface of its stream.

Just before the river though, I see them. I see them all sitting

On a bench, just like the park benches in my previous town.

I watch them, the people dearest to me, turn towards me.

They don’t get up; I want to go to them. I want to join them.

I see they are playing a game. A game of Articulate, a game we

Had back at our other home. The five of them and an empty seat.

The empty seat, which waits for me. So I glide to them over the grass

And sit down next to those closest to me. They don’t need to talk.

I don’t need to hear them speak. I just want to stay with them but as the

Light says goodbye and the darkness greets me, I promise one day I will.

Magical Times Lie Ahead

Magical Times Lie Ahead

2019 has been a very tough year. I have cried lots in toilets and in the car; have felt angry, depressed and alone. I had an iron infusion in hospital due to having iron-deficiency anaemia; and witnessed the further decline of my dad, who lives with advanced progressive multiple sclerosis. We have also learnt you cannot trust everyone. It has also been emotional because my grandpa died. I also lost a good friend from secondary school, who died due to ill health at the age of twenty-five. We will never forget them.

Despite this, there have been positives and achievements throughout the year. Some of the highlights include:

› Travelling the world, including going to Denmark, Sweden, Austria, Germany and Slovenia. Some memorable moments include going on the rides in Tivoli Gardens in Denmark; visiting the beautiful village of Hallstatt in Austria; and taking in the breath-taking views of Mangart and Mount Šija in Slovenia.

› Appearing on Radio Verulam and reading pieces of poetry including ‘That’s Strength’ and ‘I Catch Stars in the Palm of My Hand’, and raising awareness of Crohn’s disease, dyspraxia, anxiety, depression and multiple sclerosis.

› Featuring in Connect Magazine talking about my tandem skydive for Crohn’s and Colitis UK and Dyspraxia Foundation I completed in June 2018; and University of Hertfordshire School of Humanities’ ‘Student Success 2019’.

› Being in contact with the brilliant charities, Crohn’s and Colitis UK and Dyspraxia Foundation.

› Spending time with family, friends and yourself including having a poker reunion up in London; playing many games of pool; and watching the latest films for instance ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’.

I also learnt that it is important to never give up, that is important to stick to your principles, and to treasure those are truly your friends and family.

Resolutions for 2020

It is currently Wednesday 1^st January 2020 as I write this article and the year and the decade ahead is uncertain, but also exciting. Like always there will challenges ahead, but I hope there will be many more amazing times too.

Here are some of my goals for 2020:

› To achieve something, whether that is to get my children’s novel published or to go on an adventure.

› To explore, including travelling to many countries of the world. All suggestions are welcomed.

› To inspire others by raising awareness and sharing experiences of living with hidden disabilities and mental health conditions.

› To be kind to myself, including having the courage to say ‘no’ when I need time for myself.

› To be happy, by spending time with close friends and family, and yourself. Through this I will treasure the people who are kind.

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Thank you as ever for supporting me. You are the reason I keep getting out of bed in the morning. Here is to many more magical times ahead.

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